Much has been written about the problems with the “50 Shades
of Grey” series. Through all the discussion, however, few have hit on the most
compelling moral problem of the trilogy.
People have discussed how Christian Grey, the hunky
billionaire at the center of series, is controlling and manipulative and a
borderline stalker. Volumes have been written regarding the sado-masochistic
nature of the relationship between Grey and Anastasia Steele, the protagonist
of the books, as well as the fact that their relationship began with Grey
basically offering to pay her for sex. The codependency of the relationship has
been covered as well as the charge that the series is, at its core, dressed-up
pornography.
After losing a bet with my wife that required me to read the
series, I discovered the biggest and most dangerous problem of the trilogy.
First, let me say that the books are much better than the movies. My wife
acknowledges this as well. The written version is less creepy and, as with many
book-to-screen projects, provide a better understanding of what is happening to
the characters.
My wife has said that the books would be good reading for
men who want to understand women. She says that author E.L. James does a good
job of explaining how women think and feel. Unfortunately, if you want this
insight you’ll have to read the books because this does not carry over to the
movies.
She also says that the primary attraction of the books is
not the kinky sex, but the love story at the center of it all. The problem here
is that the unlikely love-at-first-sight-with-a-hunky-billionaire plotline
reflects a morality that is almost a mirror-image of reality. “Fifty Shades of
Grey” comprises the modern myth that sex leads to love rather than the
traditional ethos of love, marriage and then sex.
Granted, “50 Shades” is far from the first franchise to make
this claim. Starting with the sexual revolution of the ‘60s and the advent of
the birth control pill, sex has become increasingly divorced from love. Radical
feminism preached that women could empower themselves by rejecting traditional
sexual mores. These days sexual hookups with no emotional hang-ups can be had
as easily as swiping right on Tinder.
The result has been a cultural cataclysm. Out
of wedlock births have exploded since the 1960s to the point where almost
half of all births are to unmarried mothers. Unsurprisingly, government entitlement spending has shown a
corresponding increase over the same period.
“Fifty Shades” includes [spoiler alert] the subplot of an
unplanned pregnancy, but for Anastasia the shocking news came after she was
already married to Christian. Millions of women are not so fortunate. I applaud
the pro-life message of the book here as Anastasia rejects the idea of not
keeping her baby, but without marriage it seems plausible that a man of
Christian’s persuasion would have pressed for an abortion or abandoned her
entirely.
The damage has not been limited to unmarried mothers, entitlement
spending and a soaring national debt. While sex may easy to find, long-term relationships
are not. The marriage
rate has steadily declined as people miss out on the fulfilling relationship
with a lifelong partner in exchange for a series of one-night stands or casual
flings.
Not everyone is unhappy with the arrangement. Conventional
wisdom holds that men give love to get sex and that women give sex to get love.
If sex is separated from love, many men are getting what they want, but women
are left unsatisfied.
That doesn’t mean the arrangement is necessarily good for
men. The tradeoff used to be that men would fall in love with a woman and get
married, in part to get regular sex, and the women would settle the men down
and help them mature. Without the civilizing effects of marriage and the
pressing need to provide for a family, many men are suffering from a Peter Pan
syndrome in which they never grow up and are content to drink beer and play video
games or engage in extreme sports as their lives slip slowly away.
“Fifty Shades of Grey” is a fantasy. Women want to be swept
off their feet by a rich, sexy man. They may even want a bit of rough sex.
There is nothing inherently wrong with the bondage and masochistic sex
described in the book as long as both partners consent. In that respect, “50
Shades” may help to spice up some marriages.
But the real and most damaging fantasy of “50 Shades” is
that casual sex leads to love. In most cases it does not. It is far more likely
that one or both partners will emerge from the relationship emotionally damaged
and possibly with lives financially ruined as they try to support a baby on
their own.
The reality is that great sex comes from strong
relationships with someone that you love. You’re more likely to find great sex
if you find love first.
Originally published
on The Resurgent
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